Sexual Satisfaction
To experience sex as something beyond racing heartbeats and erotic sensations, people need more than regular sexual intercourse. What we need is sex with affection, with tenderness, with desire and with passion. Lovemaking devoid of these elements betrays the high purpose that God has destined sex to bring. A person can be well familiar and indeed, very skilled in the way of sex, yet unable to give his or her partner sexual fulfilment. Sex is given by God so as to allow for mutual enjoyment between couples to the exclusion of other parties, and it is also for the fortifying of marriages through the fusion of soul and spirit between partners. It is far from being just a way of release of hormone tension. Yet, it is not uncommon of people to dismiss that responsibility. In feeling a compulsive and pressing eagerness to feed a consuming passion during lovemaking, people sometimes neglect to look to the other partner’s interests. They end up doing what is necessary to gratify their sexual urges and very usually, in the course of it, fail to enhance their partners’ experience of those passionate moments. Unknowingly, many who continue in this pattern of lovemaking have come to know sexual orgasm as sexual fulfilment. Instead of moving towards reaching intimacy, they move towards peaking at orgasm.
One of the most forward and direct ways of knowing your spouses in a deeper way is through sexual experiences with them. Think about this: in several occasions when a man and woman gets physically involved with each other, the Bible says that they “knew” each other. God uses the word “know” to describe a sexual relationship between parties (Gen. 4:1,17,23) – an indication that one is supposed to know (in the fullest meaning of the word) the person he has a sexual engagement with. Sex is intended by God to foster intimacy between a married couple, and it is important for them to realise that in order to appreciate the gift that God has given them.
In the Songs, we see how the couple reinforces their soul ties by allowing themselves into the awareness of what each person means to the other. There was freedom of ease in their conversations on sexual matters.
“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Gen. 2:25
There was no lowering sense of shame whatsoever between Adam and his wife, Eve; as they beheld each other’s nakedness, neither felt that they wanted to turn away. They were able to look upon each other with ease. Like them, Solomon and his Shulamite were also able to be comfortable with each other under intimate circumstances and were unreserved in speaking of their love and tenderness for each other. Today, one of the greatest hindrances in sex is that there is no unreserved communication between partners. Upon honest analysis, it is often because people are not very ready to bare their sexual urges to their spouses. Some even feel that letting their partner know the kind of sexual desires and urges that rages inside them would be the ultimate embarrassment they can subject themselves to! They feel good when they know that the other partner is having a great time, but on their part, they would prefer to preserve their self-image rather than risk being thought desperate or sexually excited in an overly zealous sort of way. Thus, these people hesitate to let the other know what they really desire and look forward to in a sexual experience, lest the other spouse interprets those desires as perverse or embarrassingly abnormal.
Notice that the lovers in the Songs were not of this mind. Instead, both Solomon and the Shulamite were very voluble not only in their appreciation of each other’s beauty, but also of the pleasure each is giving to the other. They do this so as to stimulate and heighten each other’s senses in an attempt to pursue and perfect intimacy between them as they soar away in lovemaking.
“O, feed me with your love – your “raisins” and your “apples” – for I am utterly lovesick. His left hand is under my head and with his right hand he embraces me. - Songs 2:5-6
The words “I am lovesick” suggests that the Shulamite was at that point overcome with desire for greater passion and, as the word “embraces” in its original text means “to stimulate or fondle”, she is also telling of how Solomon provided pleasure and satisfaction by making endearing contacts with her.
Note that the Shulamite asked in earnest passion for Solomon to “feed her with (his) love”. This suggests the woman was consumed with such compelling feelings of desire for sexual pleasures that in order to perfect that, she needed to tell the man how much she desires for him to touch and caress her, so that he would carry and further stimulate and intensify (with his touch) the sensations that were already blossoming within her. It is important for you to express your desires to your spouse so that knowing what you are expecting they would be in better position to respond in a way that best meets that area of passion. This will not only significantly enhance the pleasures in sexual intercourse but it also breaks down walls that hinder communication between partners in their relationship. For if two parties could speak freely with each other on even the most sensitive issues, that would no doubt make inroads to ease communications in other aspects of their life together.
The role sex plays to keep a marriage vibrant and well fortified cannot be overemphasized. Whether one thinks it’s fair or not, sexual satisfaction is something that works for or against the parties to a marriage. If one party is unable to have his or her sexual needs fulfilled in a marriage, it is only too easy today to look for it out of the matrimonial home. Not a thing to boast of, but indeed the world we live in has no lack of young men and nubile young women who would be ready to provide the kind of sexual satisfaction that one’s spouse has failed or neglected to provide. Faced with an invitation from these people who are ready to give unreservedly in lovemaking, sexually ungratified spouses may find them a temptation too great to resist. Husbands who are not satisfied at home or deprived in this area would tend to yield to such temptations. Likewise wives who are not sexually satisfied also succumb to their urges when they are put with someone who is more than ready to romance them sexually. Our fears are not unfounded, for results of surveys have shown a frightening increase in the level of sexual activities outside marriage over recent times. Paul warns of this in 1 Cor. 7:5:
“Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
If a husband or wife is not satisfied with their sex life, chances of them being tempted or actually getting that satisfaction from someone else are dangerously high. One of the best preventions against adultery is to make sure your partner has constant experiences of sexual satisfaction at home. Wives, in general, tend to be more reserved when it comes to bed affairs, but let not any sister be mistaken in thinking that it is unbiblical for a woman to be a skilful lover. It is not correct to think that it is improper for a wife to be forward in lovemaking. For Solomon said of the Shulamite in Song 6:8:
“I have sixty other wives, all queens, and eighty concubines, and unnumbered virgins available to me, but you, my love, my perfect one, one and only one among them all, without equal!”
To Solomon, the Shulamite is far more superior and beyond comparison to any other woman in all of his empire. Though the King had previously been involved with several women, and being recipient of their affection was thus accustomed to their lovemaking moves, he gave unequivocal preference for the Shulamite, nevertheless. He saw that physical intimacy with any other women would never parallel that of his sexual experience with the Shulamite. It all lies in her ability to perceive his need and bring into existence an invigorating and captivating sexual life. It is having the attitude of wanting to satisfy our mate holistically - physically, emotionally as well as spiritually.
The Shulamite also took the initiative to make love to Solomon. As part of their love play, and as her way of arousing his sexual interest, she danced before him:
“Why should you seek a mere Shulamite?
Because you dance so beautifully.” - Songs 6:13
Putting away shyness and inhibitions the Shulamite responded in a most captivating way to Solomon’s sexual advances. Some wives shy at the idea of initiating sex or of letting their husbands know of their sexual desires. In doing so, they are failing to make their husbands feel wanted and desired. They fail also to improve the man’s confidence in his ability to provide sexual satisfaction. Because of the intense sensitivity of sex, passivity in bed can easily be interpreted as detachment from sexual desire of your spouse. By keeping silent and cool during sex may cause you partner to think that you are not interested in having sex with him, and this of course carries the capability of injuring your partner’s confidence very badly. That being said, we are not advocating that every one puts up a dance item before bedtime! Such a practice may not be so appealing in our culture today, but the point to note is that we need to be creative in our lovemaking. Do not be too self-conscious and mindful of preserving a good image of yourself. There is absolutely no fault in wanting to enjoy sex to its fullest potential when making love with your spouse. Sometimes it may take a little humbling of our pride to alter our mindset and strive to be what our partner needs, but that is necessary if a couple were to have sexual satisfaction.
Masturbation
Masturbation is a subject silent in the Bible. One of the danger of masturbation is the temptation for it to become an easy replacement for the task of emotional and physical intimacy between a husband and wife. Many couples who are angry or are sexually unsatisfied with their spouse take this as an alternative way of release rather than working our their problems. Solo - masturbation thus, is a unhealthy habit in a marriage. However, there are circumstances under which masturbation can have a place, guiltlessly in a marriage. For example, engaging in self- stimulation with our partner, as a facet of foreplay, is one possibility. The purpose of the Shulamite dancing before Solomon is to arouse his sexual interest. Since man are easily arouse by sight, it is possible that the Shulamite is dancing in a very stimulating way to arouse Solomon.
Another possibility is when sexual intercouse is not possible due to pregnancy (for some women) or after birth, the wives can still satisfy her husband by masturbating for him.
Much marital pain occurs because wives take on rather prudish and unscriptural attitudes of sex into marriage. They never work to overcome their inhibitions, yet at the same time they expect their husbands to behave like a super-sensitive romantic in bed. Their lack of loving response to their husbands generates barriers and pain, resulting in many unsatisfied husbands.
Wives, are your husbands revelling in being exhilarated by and satisfied with your role in lovemaking? Many women still adopt a very passive role in terms of sexual relationship, but the Shulamite does not; in fact, if we observe Songs carefully, she is pretty aggressive and voluble in lovemaking. Songs 2:8-14 speaks of how the couple explored one another physically on the different parts of their body and how they both took great delight in it and how the sounds uttered in lovemaking is sweet to each other.
“The voice of my beloved ! Behold, he comes leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, he stands behind our wall; He is looking through the windows, gazing through the lattice. My beloved spoke, and said to me: “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove in heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes give a good smell. Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away ! O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your countenance, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your countenance is lovely.” - Song 2:8-14
A man generally establishes his identity by doing something. The woman, however, hopes to achieve hers passively. It is extremely important to most men that they are successful in giving their wives sexual fulfilment. If he feels like a sexual failure, such sense of incompetence spills over to many other areas of his marriage and even into his life in general. This is why impotence or even premature ejaculation can be a crushing issue for a man to deal with. Also, husbands tend to take a lack of response from his wife in a personal way that many wives are unaware of. When a woman fails to express interest equivalent to what a man exhibits, he takes that as a failure on his part to satisfy her the way he expects a man should. If you want your husband to act like a man, make him feel like one. Continually compliment him on what a good lover he makes. Anything that he does well, do not withhold your praises but be generous with them. But if he should fail in doing satisfactorily, do not be too eager to correct, but in gentleness of spirit, let him know.
People do have different amount of sexual desires. If you are married to a spouse with a great propensity for sex, ask God to enable you to generate a response that will complement your man’s. The extent to which you can make him feel like a success in his lovemaking affects his self-confidence in the ministry and business world. His sense of masculinity, and his motivation to take spiritual leadership in a home is also dependent on that. Marriages are intended by God to be a portrait of Christ and the church:
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church.” - Eph. 5:31-32
Does our relationship with the Lord Jesus become more and more “settled” with time? Just as a lack of spiritual vitality reflects a spiritual problem, so a lack of growth in the vitality of our marriages reveals a marriage problem. If our marriages are an illustration of Christ and the Church, it should become more and more vibrant a force and grow in excitement as the years pass. Just as we need discipline to be a good disciple in our Christian walk, so also we need to discipline ourselves to be diligent in marriage and to reflect the image of Christ and the Church.
