ATTITUDE
Having a positive attitude towards sexual intimacy is paramount in a marriage relationship. It is often said that divorce begins in the bedroom, and professionals in the field have been known to testify that eighty percent or more of marital problems find their root in the bedroom. Couples who lead a healthy and fulfilled sexual relationship tends to develop a more sacrificial giving attitude in other aspects of their daily affairs and conflicts. To those with whom intimacy is not a culture the tendency is to pick on each other over the slightest thing.
Again, we can learn from Solomon and the Shulamite as they get ready for their first night together after the wedding banquet.
“Kiss me again and again, for your love is sweeter than wine. How fragrant your cologne, and how great your name.” - Song 1:2-3 TLB
Wine speaks of pleasure and here, the Shulamite considers her husband’s love as higher than any pleasure the world can offer her. She utters words of fantasy in fond anticipation of chamber pleasures. Obviously, she was not afraid of sex, nor was she put off by the thought of it. She was also far from displaying any signs of having any preconceived notions of sex being dirty, sinful or hurtful.
The Shulamite’s expression of joy and pleasure on the first night of her marriage is not something all couples experience. There are some couples who had been unable to enjoy the initial nights together because they were not previously educated in the aspects of lovemaking. As a result, the joys and pleasures of sex were killed or destroyed for them. Thus, it is important that every couple knows what to expect out of a sexual relationship. Reading up materials from reliable sources in this area and obtaining counsel before the wedding night is strongly recommended for those who are unfamiliar in the area of sexuality.
“If you do not know, O fairest among women, follow in the footsteps of the flock….” - Song 1:8
If sex is to be a new experience for you, then one should be willing to learn from those who have gone ahead of us. They would be able to give us valuable feedback to minimise or avoid mistakes. In particular, anyone who had previously encountered bad experiences in this area of sex should make sure he or she is healed and restored whole before entering into the next sexual experience. This is to avoid the risk of being haunted by the nightmares of the sexual abuse he or she had been previously subjected to. If appropriate measures are not taken, then it is likely that the couple’s first night together could be ruined by past hurts, and this would in turn scar the rest of their sexual engagements for life. Couples who are hurt on the first time they unite sexually with each other have been known to develop negative attitudes towards sex and worse, resentment and contempt towards their spouse. The flames of passion that once used to envelop two persons could be reduced to ashes of resentment that buries the joy and pleasures of marriage life.
“the older woman…that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children…” - Titus 2:3-4
Titus exhorts mature or older women to teach younger women how to love their husbands. Sadly, this is not being practiced in our culture today. Younger women are struggling miserably in their marriage, especially in the area of sexual intimacy because they have not been sufficiently educated in that aspect. We pray that the contents of this book will help the daughters of Sarah arise to pick up the calling to guide and teach the younger daughters that they may be able to handle their marriage life in a godly manner. This helps to prevent honeymoons from turning ugly because one party is not adequately advised on sexual matters and who therefore had unrealistic expectations or psychological fears of sex.
“Holy Lust”
Do not be mistaken. It is perfectly holy to think erotically and sensually about your spouse. Solomon did, and so did his bride, the Shulamite.
“My beloved one is tanned and handsome, better than ten thousand others! His head is purest of gold, and he has wavy, raven hair. His eyes are like doves beside the water brooks, deep and quiet. His cheeks are like sweetly scented beds of spices. His lips are perfumed lilies, his breath like myrrh. His arms are round bards of gold set with topaz; his body is bright ivory encrusted with jewels. His legs are as pillars of marble set in sockets of finest gold, like cedars of Lebanon; none can rival him. His mouth altogether sweet, lovable in everyway.” - Song 5:10-16 TLB
Surveys have revealed a frightening trend among several couples who have been married for a reasonable period of time. Married couples have confessed that sex becomes more infrequent as their marriage grows into the latter years. Some who have been married beyond three years makes love on an average of only twice a month. Yet, these used to be passionate lovers who make love not less than three or four times in a week during the initial couple of years of their marriage! Why? The most common reason given is that the passion both parties once felt towards each other seemed to have fizzled out over time. This is a danger sign because a lack of passion towards our spouse is fertile ground for the devil to gain footage and establish a stronghold over our lives. It makes us more susceptible to falling into temptation when it strikes. One of the solutions is to start musing on the positive attributes and characteristics of our spouse. In doing that, sexual assertiveness arises naturally and it will lead us back to the currents of love and passion we once knew.
The Bible exhort us to keep ourselves in the love of God (Jude 21) and also the greatest commandment is that we should love God with all our heart, soul and mind. In Revelation 2:1-4, the church in Ephesus endured trials and withstood adverse times with patience and laboured tirelessly. However, the tragic part was that they had left their first love. The same is with some couples. They have laboured tirelessly to keep and maintain family life, but unfortunately, they have lost their first love for each other .
To keep oneself in the love of God takes diligence and discipline. It is our devotion, meditation and keeping a consciousness of Him in our lives that we remain active and aware in the love of God. Likewise, a good attitude is very necessary in marriages. Couples need to devote themselves to each other and think of their spouse romantically to keep the flame going. If we adopt the attitude of the Shulamite and muse on our spouse in fondness, we will be able to look forward to a beautiful and wonderful sexual intimacy with our spouse.
Planning & Preparation
Throughout the Songs, we find words like “spikenard, myrrh, frankincense, perfume,” etc. We gather from these words that Solomon and the Shulamite prepared the environment and made it conducive for their lovemaking. Erotic love is primal and ancient. Certain fragrant essences are recognized as having the qualities that produce special effects on moods and psyches. These are not there to merely give a pleasant scent, but also to evoke an erotic consciousness on the senses. After some general observation, we are inclined to conclude that the world seems more versed in this aspect than the church, which gives them an added advantage over Christians who miss out on the manifold pleasures of sex because of ignorance in these things.
Religious books such as the Karma Sutra and the Arab/Islamic Perfumed Garden describes sensual practices and erotic wisdom, which are indeed also found in our Holy Scriptures, the Songs of Solomon, to be specific. Our lack of diligence in reading the scriptures with a heart mindful of the Holy Spirit’s guidance have allowed Satan to rob us of the joys of receiving sexual counsel from God. The book of Esther also records how the Queen prepared and perfumed herself for the King (Esther 2:12). Many of us are still unskilled when it comes to marrying sexuality and spirituality together. It is not true that a person who is sexually conscious cannot at the same time be of spiritual calibre. Sex, if enjoyed within the proper boundaries of marriage, is not unholy, for it is ordained by God and is not only for the purpose of procreation but also for the sheer enjoyment of pleasure (Gen.18:12).
Pornography
Many women are of the impression that they have been “made use of” in sexual relationships instead of having been loved and romanced. This might be because the man has not been as aware of or sensitive to the emotional needs of his wife as he ought. One of the factors that contributes to this lack of sensitivity is pornography.
Many view pornography as a “victimless” crime, so to speak. However, it warps the mind by reducing a person’s perception of the way women should be regarded and treated. By the regular viewers of pornography, women are no longer perceived as God’s image bearers to be respected, valued and loved. Rather, she is being degraded to slaves of sexual pleasure to be used and exploited. In several porno films, women are being portrayed as the sexually aggressive ones who were willing to do anything for sexual pleasure. Men who allow these images to register in their sub-consciousness and minds will gradually alter their expectations of the roles their wives play in lovemaking, and this happens to most men without them even realising it. When that happens, sex becomes a naked pursuit of orgasm and is severed from commitment, sacrifice and love.
Pornography has the lure and propensity of leading men to chauvinistic and perverted attitudes about women which will eventually kill the wonder and beauty of making love to them. For women, fear and inferiority surmounts as they watch the ‘skilful’ movements of the females in a porno film, and because they do not perceive themselves to be as well-endowed as the female stars or even as able to deliver lovemaking at their level of performance as portrayed on screen, insecurity soon begins to take root in their lives. This would eventually lower their confidence in themselves, especially during sexual engagement with their partners.
Some couples are led into the delusion that watching pornography would engender a positive effect on their sexual lives. Pornography is unholy, period – no further explanation needed. Therefore like how one cannot expect a bad tree to bear good fruit, so an unholy vice like pornography can never be capable of producing godly results in a sacred gift like sex. If you think it might, chances are you have been deceived. Yes, initially, pornography might seem to be a good idea to couples because it could provoke a desire in them and even teach them some new techniques in lovemaking. However, relying on third party (pornography) influence to feel desire for our spouse will not benefit and sustain our sexual life in the long run. If we do not ground our marriage and sex life on solid foundation, we would never come to experience sexual fulfilment in the measure God destines. Instead, sex life might even take a turn downwards, for reasons abovementioned. Take for example the husband who watches a porno film and then jumps into bed beside his wife, expecting to re-enact the passion he caught on film. You can easily imagine the kind of frustration or disappointment he would feel if after several effortful attempts he is still unable to get from his wife the kind of actions or reactions that the female artiste exhibited in the film. After some time, this disappointment and discontentment may lead to an illegitimate pursuit of sexual satisfaction outside the marriage. The husband may start looking out for the dream partner they saw in the porno, and if by the most unfortunate turn of events, such a person appears in his life, it is not difficult to imagine him yielding to the temptation. When we sow a thought, it leads to a harvest of actions. When we sow the seed of lust (by watching pornography), we are paving the way for the spirit of lust to dominate and oppress our mind.
If anyone has been exposed to pornography, he or she needs to break away from this habit and seek counsel to renew his mind and put on the right attitude towards sex.
Great sex is not a product of lust, but the fruit of a love that is pure and true, where each partner does his or her utmost to please and bring pleasure to the other. Lust brings pleasure but for a moment; only love keeps a marriage running on the joys of an enriching sex life.
The preparation for great sex begins from the time you first wake up to each other. If a good relationship is maintained throughout the day, chances are high that you and your spouse will enjoy a hearty sex in the evening when you come together.
