FOREPLAY
In our society today, many have exchanged responsibility for the enjoyment of personal rights. This means that people are more concerned in getting what they deserve or want, rather than what they are supposed or expected to give. This group of people tends to demonstrate affection and endearment in the expectation of self-fulfillment in return when they get a positive response from their partner. They also get into the realm of intimacy and engage themselves in sex because they crave the sensuality of orgasms. These people are not entirely wrong to desire fulfillment and pleasure, but definitely, love goes beyond that, and these people are just not able to rise above their selfish desires of the flesh to give sacrificially for what is comfortable.
“But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come; for men will be lovers of themselves ….. lovers of pleasure ….. “ - 2 Tim. 3:1-2
The result is widespread alienation, in the family, in the work place, and even in church. Two persons can tread the same path together yet whose hearts are not joined. Worse, couples can even be sharing the same bed and enjoying each other sexually when they are “emotionally divorced” from each other. This is the consequence when sex is grossly misunderstood by many as just a physical activity instead of a path of love, trust, commitment and respect where the giving of one’s self is lovingly rendered.
God designed sex as one of the several ways a partner can give of himself or herself to the other. This happens in several levels, from the giving of physical pleasure to a spiritual giving of the essence of oneself. Sex is designed as a selfless expression of love. Yet in practice this is not always the case in most marriages. Instead, self-seeking and self-fulfillment dominates, and these have often caused one or both of the partners to suffer damage in self-esteem and identity.
Foreplay is a word that every couple knows, like how prayer is a word that must be familiar to every Christian. Coldly, but truly, like how prayer is seldom practiced by the Christian, foreplay, unfortunately, is also losing its place in a couple’s quest for sexual fulfillment. Many men have confessed to having been accustomed to the society’s culture of a quick-fix environment. They exchange orgasm for intimacy, even looking upon sex as a way to unwind after a hectic day. With this sort of culture existing in a marriage, sexual intercourse has lost its glory of representing the ultimate unity between two persons.
Undoubtedly, there are lessons to be learnt from the wisdom of God. Let’s take our first lesson from the love between Solomon and the Shulamite .
“How beautiful you are, my love, how beautiful! Your eyes are soft as doves, what a lovely, pleasant thing you are, lying here upon the grass, shaded by the cedar trees and fire.” - Song 1:15-16 TLB
“My lover is an apple tree, the finest in the orchard as compared with any of the other youths. I am seated in his much desired shade and his fruit is lovely to eat.” -Song 2:3 TLB
As they enter the bridal chamber, Solomon begins his lovemaking to his wife with praise that is reciprocated by even more intensified praises. Following the chapters, we will notice that in the process of lovemaking, the lovers actually celebrate each other’s loveliness and beauty with exceedingly powerful descriptions. Sexual union constitutes a union of body, soul and spirit, and it is thus paramount for us to please one another in the senses of the soulical realm. Only when a man and his wife are able to relate to one another at the level of heart and mind in loving in a passionate kind of way does sexual intercourse peak at its highest crest of intimacy. In intimacy, a couple does not merely appear naked before one another physically, but they also bare themselves emotionally before their partner, unveiling a form of vulnerability and openness for our partner to touch and caress our emotions. In doing so, people have found out that some carelessly inflicted wounds of the past were healed through such healthy sexual relationship.
Sex, after all, is more than just the physical activity of two undressed persons in bed. The full import of sex has little to do with a physical act, but more with the cultivation of love, trust, commitment, faithfulness and care. Love-making, is almost like letting our spouse into the awareness of our appreciation of his/her body; and how they in turn respond are building blocks of confidence and love to us. Such affection should not be neglected as it helps to affirm one’s confidence especially when most of us suffer inferiority complex about certain parts of our body and in our ability to satisfy our spouse during a sex.
Many women have been known to be unable to appreciate sex or even reach orgasm during a sexual intercourse because of a self poor image. Some women lament over the size of their bosoms while others earnestly wished they had a body more ideal in terms of shape and size for their partner’s sexual pleasure. These things must definitely be communicated to other person, as honestly and as truthfully as possible, so that he, exercising godly wisdom, may know how to build up his partner’s confidence.
A positive self-image and being pleased with the way we look is very important, generally more so for the women. It therefore follows that it is necessary for a husband to help establish his wife’s confidence by being voluble about the attractiveness he appreciates in her. How positive a response from the woman in a sexual relationship is highly dependent on how positive she feels about herself. The more convinced she is of the fact that she is being cherished, the freer she would be in unlocking her passions during lovemaking.
No matter how assured and mature a personality, people are vulnerable to insecurity from time to time, and to a lesser or larger degree, all of us feel inferior of our own attractiveness or sexual appeal. This is all the more so for people who have undergone failures or disappointments in their love lives, and who do not score high on the conventional paradigm of physical beauty. Of course, there are several ways in which we can deal with this spirit of inferiority, but unfortunately, one of easiest which is perhaps also the speediest way of overcoming it (though only temporarily) is to pull through a sexual conquest. The person generally feels better about him/herself after having been intimate with an attractive member of the opposite sex. These people are like people set out on a limb emotionally, who are desperately craving affection. We become vulnerable to those who will affirm our sexuality. Remember, Satan always works on our wounds and weak spots. Do not help the devil create a breeding ground. This is one of the reasons why people fall into extra-marital affairs without intending it. It is important for us to keep our spouses in constant affirmation and appreciation, for if we should neglect in so doing, satan certainly sees an opportunity to lure the discontented spouse away by sending him/her an ‘enemy’ (i.e. a third party that interrupts a marriage) who would make up for the lost affection or pleasure in the marriage.
“Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, going down from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep which have come up from the washing, every one of which bears twins, and none is barren among them. Your lips are like a strand of scarlet, and your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like a piece of pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built for an armory, on which hand a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, which feed among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee away, I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense. You are all fair, my love, and there is no spot in you…you have ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; you have ravished my heart with one look of your eyes, with one link of your necklace. How fair is your love, my sister, my spouse! How much better than wine is your love. And the scent of your perfumes than all spices ! Your lips, O my spouse, drip as the honey and milk are under your tongue; and the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon. A garden enclosed is my sister, my spouse, a spring shut up, a fountain sealed. Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with pleasant fruits, fragrant henna with spikenard, spikenard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense, myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices - a fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.”
The Shulamite
“Awake, O north wind, and come, O south! Blow upon my garden, that its spices may flow out. Let my beloved come to his garden and eat its pleasant fruits.” - Song 4:1-16
In Songs chapter 4, Solomon began his praises of his bride, romancing her with words all the way from the crown of her head down to her face and finally climaxing at her “garden” (likely to be referring to her genitals). It is very difficult to imagine that Solomon, while making such vivid descriptions was not caressing or having physical contact with her. Quite apparently, he must have started off the lovemaking process by caressing or kissing her hair and gradually moving down to explore the other parts of her body.
Every woman desires to know that her appearance and beauty is capable of giving her husband an arousal. Solomon is sensitive to this fact and he expresses himself accordingly. This could be a great key to breaking a woman’s inhibitions during sex. A husband should condition himself to be very sensitive to his wife’s psychological and emotional concerns besides being concerned about his personal satisfaction and physical enjoyment. A woman needs to feel her husband’s desire for her as a person, and not merely as a body or a sex mechanism. The reason why some women do not enjoy sex is because they feel being treated like a prostitute who’s being made to satisfy her husband’s cravings and urges. Married couples must realise that sexuality is not self-gratification. Some women feel hurt when their husbands do not romance them sufficiently. To them, sex is only a matter of satisfying the demands of an insensitive mate. They feel as if a violation has just taken place instead of a passionate exchange of love and affection. More often than not, women keep these feelings to themselves instead of making them known to their husbands. Gradually, the matrimonial bed becomes marred with anger, resentment, contempt and even rage. Seeing no breakthrough coming their way, these women resign themselves to comply and sink into hopelessness and helplessness.
In the Songs, we notice that their love play was relaxed, unrushed, and much relished. This is important so that our partner do not think that they are being treated as sex objects that feed our sexual urges. Many men are known to be “panicky” when it comes to lovemaking. These men would later wonder why their partners did not seem to be enjoying the affair as much as they were. We cannot expect to embrace intimacy in a matter of five to ten minutes. In order for sex to be an expression of love, one needs to embrace the desires and interests of the other partner and put them above his or her own interests. If your lovemaking tends to last for only five to ten minutes, you might want to consider an adjustment in your sexual habits in order to make lovemaking a mutually enjoyable experience for both parties. Solomon’s main concern was not to satisfy himself but to satisfy his wife’s desires. As a result, he reaped a treasure of sweet fulfillment in return.
“My lover is an apple tree, the finest in the orchard as compared with any of the other youths. I am seated in his much-desired shade and his fruit is lovely to eat.” - Song 2:3 TLB
The Shulamite describes herself as being in her beloved’s presence, indulging in the most desired place and “tasting his fruit”. Very likely, the “fruit” here is referring to his genitals just as “gardens” was earlier used to refer to the woman’s private parts. A point of reference may be gained here on a faint and delicate reference to an oral genital caress experience. Many sincere and honest scholars struggle with oral-sex as an issue of morality. Some even consider it an unnatural or perverted sexual act. But if it is all right to kiss one’s lips, nipples and other parts of the body, then why the exclusion of sexual organs? In doing so, we are relegating sexual organs to an “unclean” category relative to the other parts of the body. This, as we know, is definitely not so, since the Bible clearly tells us that the whole body is wonderfully and perfectly made (Ps. 139:14). There is not one part of the body that is improper for use – to caress with the lips, the tongue or the hands. Even the woman’s genitals are not dirty contrary to many believe. Medical studies have suggested that in terms of germs, the healthy vagina is about as clean as or cleaner that the mouth. We believe anything is permissible as long as it is not offensive to either party, and so long as it does not in any way trespass or impair the enjoyment of pleasure and satisfaction during lovemaking. Notwithstanding, one should certainly refrain from initiatives that have been known to be offensive to the other party. Any sexual initiatives becomes sinful when one spouse forces it on the other against his or her will.
Tim and Beverly Lahaye, in diccussing oral sex, in their book - The Act Of Marriage pg.276 state these in their research:
“Of Christian doctors we surveyed, 73 percent felt it was acceptable for a Christian couple as long as both partners enjoyed it; 27 percent did not approve of it. To our amazement, 77 percent of the ministers felt it was acceptable, and 23 percent did not…”
Having touched on this, let us now consider some guidelines to avoid extremities that could prove uncomfortable for either party in a sexual relationship.
Mutual Agreement
The fact that some particular form of sexual expression is found in the scriptures does not mean that we are to force it upon our spouse. We have to differentiate between biblical examples and biblical commandments. Commandments are to be observed and kept to its very last demand, whereas examples are subject to personal application. Therefore, where it is granted that people have a choice over certain things mentioned in the scriptures, the couple will have to work out an arrangement agreeable between both parties. Between the husband and the wife, each couple should be allowed to freely explore various forms of sexual pleasures and adopt those which are mutually pleasurable for both partners.
Mutual Submission
If a wife or a husband prefers or desires certain forms of sexual expression which is averse to the partner or in which the other partner has reservations, then we would encourage him or her to be willing to sacrifice that particular pleasure.
Maturity is the migration from self-seeking to self-giving, especially in the area of sexuality. When love reaches its maturity in a marriage, both partners give of themselves wholly to each other. Sacrificial willingness is the key to success in a marital sexual union, for it is when both the husband as well as the wife is willing to give themselves for each other’s enjoyment that they might both experience the bliss of sexual union. In fact, sex is one of the means through which one can develop the virtue of laying our lives down for another. Mutual death to self is vital in order to reach oneness both physically and spiritually. Both partners have to learn that they must do away with that which would obstruct their mate’s pleasure. The cross is still as it will always be, the key to every aspect of our lives if we want to live in blessedness.
Unselfish Love
Love turns into lust when one is so obsessed with a particular sexual expression that he or she can no longer be satisfied in the absence of it. We have to determine the verity of our motives. Is our motive simply to use our mate to meet our own desires and lust or do we want to give them pleasure and enjoyment because we love them. Every one should ask himself this question the next time he desires something that does not appeal to his partner.
