Sexual Problems
Young marriages are like young tender vineyards that are susceptible to attacks from little foxes. While love blossoms in a new marriage, little problems come about to ruin and mar the marriage bliss between the couple.
“The little foxes are ruining the vineyards. Catch them, for the grapes are all in blossom.” - Songs 2:15
There are several “little foxes” that are capable of ruining a marriage. Let us consider one of them – rejection.
Rejection
“I sleep, but my heart is awake; it is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, “open for me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one; for my head is covered with dew, my locks with drops of the night.” - Songs 5:2
This scenario, if re-enacted in real life, might prove to be a trial for most couples. Solomon had approached the Shulamite earlier, but had apparently not been welcomed. A likely guess why this might be so could be that Solomon had called on her at an unopportune hour. That “the dew has already begun to fall” suggests that Solomon might have approached her at dawn or at a late night hour. The Shulamite, for her to be sleeping while her heart is yet awake must mean that she was having a restless night. The rest of chapter 5 tells us of how she later felt bad about turning Solomon away when he wanted intimacy with her. Because of her rejection, Solomon departed with a wounded pride.
Nothing could ever be more deflating to a man’s ego than to have his sexual initiatives rejected by his wife. As a married couple we should not take our spouse’s sexual interest for granted. For a couple to enjoy sex for years and years to come, there will call for some adjustments from time to time, usually in the initial years for that is when both parties get to know the preferences and inclinations of each other. Young lovers who get married thinking that they could both jump into bed and enjoy hours and hours of sexual pleasure for years and years to come will be disappointed to know that that is hardly ever the case without some adjustments made by both partners.
Conflicting schedules, physical fatigue and individual mood swings – these are all factors that threaten a fulfilling sex life. Rejecting your spouse’s sexual initiatives is against the biblical principle taught by Paul:
“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer ……” - 1 Cor. 7:3-5
Under general circumstances, it is wrong of a person not to respond positively to his spouse’s sexual initiatives. The root is self-centredness. There is only one provision under the Bible that allows us to abstain from sexual relations with our spouses. However, even with this provision, all three condition attached have to be satisfied:
1.it must be for a worthy cause e.g. seeking God in fasting and prayer;
2.it should only be for a short period of time; and
3.both parties to the marriage must give consent to it.
Unless the above three conditions are satisfied, no man and wife should withhold sex when one party desires it. To reject our spouses’ initiatives bring about the following grave consequences:
Firstly, our fellowship with the Lord is strained because we violate a scriptural command (1 Cor. 7:5) when we reject our spouses’ initiatives. Then, we would also have bruised the relationship we have with our spouses. A seed of bitterness or rejection may have been sown into his or her life and that will in turn bear fruits of bitterness and of rage even. Thirdly, there is the fear that the rejected spouse may go off to look for someone who would welcome and receive pleasures he so badly wanted to give and share. It is not difficult for a rejected spouse to fall into the trap when the temptation comes.
One of the reasons why so many men appear to be obsessed with sex is because they get so little of it from their wives. If we have been abstaining from something for some time, our appreciation for that thing grows when we think of it or when we come across it. Though sex is not the be all and end all of marriage life, it is nevertheless something which if a partner to a marriage is deprived of, can easily become an obsession. Most wives who haven’t reached harmony with their husbands find them making sexual initiatives almost every night. These wives are probably unaware that if they were to allow their husbands to have free command of sex with her, his sexual drive will gradually moderate to a more comfortable degree. People tend to want the things they do not have. When a man knows that his wife is always ready to love and be loved by him physically, he is more willing to settle for less frequent physical manifestations of that love through sex. Then, the frequency of your lovemaking instances will gravitate towards a more acceptable level.
Choosing To Love
While it may be true that Solomon could be more considerate in choosing when to approach the Shulamite, her ultimate response was inspiring after feeling sorry for her poor response initially . She mused on Solomon’s excellent qualities, and on how exceedingly attractive he was to her.
“My beloved is white and ruddy, Chief among ten thousand. His head is like the finest gold; his locks are wavy, and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set. His cheeks are like a bed of spices, like banks of scented herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold set with beryl. His body is carved ivory inlaid with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of fine gold. His countenance is like Lebanon, excellent as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem !” - Song 5:10-16
What generosity of heart displayed! Instead of being cross at him coming in to her when she was not in the mood for sex, the Shulamite’s thoughts were of Solomon’s interests instead of hers.
One should be willing to lay down his desire for his spouse’s. Based on the premise of love begets love, sacrifice begets sacrifice and consideration, consideration, this attitude will eventually engender appreciation, thankfulness and sacrifice of wants on the part of the other party.
As she does so, the Shulamite is also making a deliberate effort to fulfil her role as wife to Solomon. Though she must be aware that her husband could exercise more thought and consideration in choosing the times for romance, she however remembered her responsibility as wife, that is to give her husband what he asks of her in regards to sexual intimacy. This must be the kind of attitude every partner exercises towards his or her spouse. We are to assume responsibility and do our role in the marriage faithfully and leave it to God to straighten out our spouses’ weaknesses. Solomon himself demonstrated this positive attitude when he withheld no expression of love due to the Shulamite despite having been previously rebuffed. He was ready to put the hurt behind him and let the love heal the wounds without having to bother himself over nursing it. He continued to render ceaseless praise and appreciation to his wife as he also gave her assurance of his single devotion.
“O my love, you are as beautiful as Tirzah, lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners! Turn your eyes away from me, for they have overcome me, your hair is like a flock of goats going down from Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep which have come up from the washing; every one bears twins, and non is barren among them. Like a piece of pomegranate are your temples behind your veil. There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my perfect one, is the only one, the only one of her mother, the favourite of the one who bore her. The daughters saw her and called her blesses, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Who is she who looks forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, awesome as an army with banners?” - Song 6:4-10
“How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The curves of your thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a skilful workman. Your navel is a rounded goblet; it lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon which looks toward Damascus. Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel, and the hair of your head is like purple; a king is held captive by your tresses. How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights! This stature of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters. I said, “I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its branches.” Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and the roof of your mouth like the best wine. The wine goes down smoothly for my beloved, moving gently the lips of sleepers.” - Songs 7:1-9
Note that the praises Solomon rendered to his wife in the above instance are no different from those he showered upon her the first time they made love:
“Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, going down from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep which have come up from the washing, every one of which bears twins, and none is barren among them. Your lips are like a strand of scarlet, and your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like a piece of pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built for an armoury, on which hand a thousand buckers, all shields of mighty men. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, which feed among the lilies.” - Song 4:1-5
This is in effect Solomon telling the Shulamite that in spite of the earlier rejection she visited upon him, his love for her has not changed from what it was in the beginning to start with. He gave himself to love his wife unconditionally even in times when she had hurt him directly. Such love given freely from a spouse to the other spouse builds a deep security that is essential for a sound and healthy marriage. The Shulamite was confident of Solomon’s love for her. In much delight, she was able to say “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.” - Song 7:10
Solomon never gave his wife the impression that she ever needed to merit his love and affection. Instead, she knew (from his conduct) that he loves her unconditionally, a love similar of that which Christ demonstrates towards His the Bride, the Church.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it.” - Eph. 5:25
The Lord Jesus loved and still loves us consistently regardless of our failings and weaknesses that come up ever so often. But just like how this does not take away our responsibility of having to walk towards perfection, so also we should not take the love of our spouse for granted and expect unwavering love from them throughout a lifetime of insensitivity on our part. We must still strive to perfect our love towards our spouse and continually evaluate on our conduct towards them (2 Cor. 7:1).
Consider this exhortation of Peter’s:
“Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honour to the wife … not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing ….” - 1Pet. 3:7,9
One of the keys to harmonious living with our spouses is that we should not retaliate when hurt, but to respond with blessing. Being imperfect man as we all are, there would be occasions when we react in ways we would in future regret. Solomon’s ego was undoubtedly bruised when the Shulamite turned away his love, yet he returned such rebuff with praise and love that could not be faulted! This is something husbands must learn from the wise King. For a sure way to put a woman off is to insult them, whether directly or indirectly, when they fail to meet up to standards. This would be like driving a wedge into the relationship which crevice will only open further and disintegrate into crumbling bits over time. This forces both parties into a vicious circle of getting back at each other.
Unsatisfactory sexual experiences not remedied between the partners will result in future upsets. If things are to remain blissful in a marriage, be sure to respond to whatever offense your spouse causes you in a manner not departing from the counsel in God’s word.
Differences
Like how men and women play different roles in a marriage, so men and women also differ in terms of how they respond sexually. Men, in general are more inclined to be aroused by physical sight and touch while women tend to feel more prepared for intimacy when she has been romanced both emotionally and sensationally.
Some women have complained of husbands not being sensitive enough to romance them sensually first before exploring deeper intimacy. To a woman, creating a general atmosphere of tenderness and sentiment is very essential before she responds to passionate and intense sexual enthusiasms. It brings her to sweet surrender of herself to him. Before enjoying physical contact of naked flesh, the woman must first be able to feel a conscious connection of hearts. Throughout the various seasons of time, this difference between man and woman has been the cause of some common difficulties couples face during lovemaking. As a result, discontented husbands and hurting wives abound.
In the Songs, we see how a man should approach his wife in order to beget a favorable response from her. To a woman, especially, sexual intimacy has its gradations. Solomon made considerable efforts to create an atmosphere conducive for the Shulamite to bask before he progressed further to know her intimately (Songs 4:1-8). His admiration of her physical qualities was not restrained. He was all delight and volubility about her attractiveness to him as a woman. His patience, coupled with continuous affection, gave her the time and love necessary to warm and arouse her senses. As we see, this excellent sense of love and thoughtfulness on Solomon’s part soon promised as deep and passionate an intimacy as true love would fetch. On the other hand, the Shulamite, correctly perceiving that Solomon being a man would be aroused by sight, danced to entertain his interest and in doing so, stirred up the senses and passions in her husband, causing him to pursue his desire for her (Songs 6:13). She also took it upon herself to initiate sex with Solomon and, had from time to time initiated sex with Solomon and made suggestions to the king to move away from the conventional places of sexual intimacy to new places they not explored.
“Come, my beloved, let us go forth to the field; let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards…” - Song 7:11-12
Both Solomon and his Shulamite were more concerned with the wellness of each other instead of demanding sex on their own terms. For the sakes of pleasing both partners during sexual intimacy, doing away with self interests is unavoidable. For example, we may find that women, in particular, need to refrain from withholding sex from their husbands. Besides basking in their husbands’ affections, wives should respond by making their husbands feel wanted and loved. On the other hand, husbands may find that they must make conscious effort to banish the sense of embarrassment or awkwardness from getting in the way when expressing tenderness and endearment to their wives. Very often, men do not end up being as expressive as their hearts felt because they allowed themselves to be restrained by bashfulness. Again, between husbands and wives where there is absolute and total intimacy warranted by God, there is no need for blush when it comes to loving each other. God instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. At the point when His beloved people were crying out great exhibitions of rejection towards Him, He hung on the Cross, faithfully and ungrudgingly demonstrating undying love for them. The Lord Jesus was put to public shame by hanging with no clothes on but an undercloth on the cross, yet He overcame the shame by His love for the people.
Both the husband and the wife must experience and embrace intimacy as one flesh. This, however, can only be reached when both are ready to sacrifice self-satisfaction on their spouse’s account so as to receive a satisfaction that extends both to the wife as well as the husband.
It is a cross to bear, having to forego one’s personal interest for the sake of another. But be not afraid of bearing this cross, for it was ultimately the rugged cross and not a bed of roses that brought about eternal life. Lying down upon a bed of roses and feeling satisfied oneself would be nothing if your partner were not there with you. However, the very idea of their partners loving them enough to sacrifice pleasure on their account is already enough to make any spouse love their partners more, which will consequently awaken them to give more of themselves for their partners in reciprocation.
Roles
There are different roles to be played by both husband and wife in a marriage; and it is amazing that how well each partner plays his or her role has a direct bearing on their sexual relationship. From the occasions in which God instructed husbands to take excellent charge and care of the household, we gather that must mean for the man to be a protector and a leader in the home. In Songs, the Shulamite refers to her husband as a “shepherd”, whose principal role we know is to protect, feed and lead the sheep. The emphasis is a “protector and leader”.
God has established lines of authorities in the various spheres of human existence – family, church, government etc. He has done so for a good reason. Many wives are taking on responsibilities God never intended them to. For example, in many families today, it is common for the women to take on the role of bringing up and disciplining the children. However God’s word tells us otherwise:
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” - Eph. 6:4
The world, by its practice, suggests domestic affairs like the upbringing of the kids be left to the mothers while the fathers be freed to concentrate on fetching home handsome incomes. It has imparted false notions about men giving their attentions to careers while the domestic responsibilities be left to the women to manage. Contrary to this, God’s word teaches that fathers should be the ones shouldering that responsibility. Fathers should play a significant role in the holistic development of their children. However, it is unfortunate that many Christian husbands are filled with too much of the world not to see with the eyes of the world. If other fathers practice the culture of assigning the duty of disciplining the children to the mothers, they would, too, because they have not established themselves in the counsel of God. Such worldly norms and customs have to be altered, if you want to establish God’s order in the family.
Husbands, by and large, are supposed to be the “cushion” or the ‘shock absorber’ of the family. When calamities strike the family and crises arise, husbands are the ones who must shield and insulate, as far as possible, the family from these things. The women should be released - emotionally at least from having to battle the storms. They ought to be allowed the privilege, being the weaker sex, to find security and refuge in their husbands.
The Christian family should have an environment that allows the woman to follow her husband’s leading. If a woman finds herself taking the charge over most of the affairs in the house, it would be almost impossible for her to readily take a step backward and submit entirely when it comes to the bed. The husband’s leadership has to be consistent, all the way from the management of the domestic affairs to the initiatives that he takes during sex. When a woman is able to entrust herself in her man’s leadership and have confidence in him to meet her general needs, she would develop an assurance of his ability to fulfill her sexual needs, as well. With such assurance, she would be greatly helped in warming up to him and in responding positively to his sexual initiatives.
Sexual intercourse, to a man, is like an act of taking possession. Coincidentally, a woman sees sexual intercourse as an act of surrender to a man. So, one yields (the woman), and another (the man) takes. For anyone to give freely, and to yield of oneself unreservedly, she has to have the confidence that she would be secure in doing so, that she is surrendering herself into safe hands. It is not unusual for a woman to have the tendency of unconsciously allowing her security in the relationship into the bedroom, which of course leads to the erection of an unhealthy mental obstruction that impairs her from freely enjoying the passion of sex.
Women crave the sense of knowing and feeling that she is being protected, taken cared of and loved. It is largely dependent on their husbands whether the wives get such assurances. If a husband communicates indifference and insensitivity to his wife’s needs and desires, it is almost always upsets the balance of her emotions and stirs up feelings of insecurity in her. Sexual problems follow as a result.
“I have compared you, my love, to my filly among Pharoah’s chariots.” - Song 1:9
By this remark, Solomon assured his bride of her dearness to him. During that epoch in the Orient, the horses were the cherished companions of kings; and the king’s horses were well sheltered and cared for. Thus King Solomon likened his desire for his wife with his protective love and care. Wives who are secured in their husbands’ love and protective concern take great delight in enjoying sex with them.
“What is your beloved more than another beloved, O fairest among women? What is your beloved more than another beloved that you so charge us? My beloved is white and ruddy, chief among ten thousand. His head is like the finest gold; his locks are wavy, and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the rivers of waters. Washed with milk, and fitly set. His cheeks are like a bed of spices, banks of scented herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold set with beryl. His body is carved ivory inlaid with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of fine gold. His countenance is like Lebanon, excellent as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet. Yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem!” - Song 5:9-16
Solomon is to the Shulamite, a figure of great strength and tenderness. Besides being a passionate lover, he is to her both a protector and a leader. These are basic characteristics of the male role as described in the bible. The gestures of protection and leading are harmonious with the sacrificial labours of love. The fact that shepherds dedicate their lives to their flocks even unto death demonstrates emphatically their care and concern for them. Similarly, a good husband would be willing to lay down his life for his wife.
Let us consider what Paul says in 1 Cor. 7:32-33:
“But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord – how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world – how he may please his wife.”
Paul chose to remain single so that he might be allowed the freedom of mind to be focused on the things of God. However, to those who are married, he taught that on top of their ministry responsibilities, it is also imperative that they concern themselves with the interests of their wives. Many servants of God care for the things of God on the account of their wives happiness at home. This is not the will of God. If we have chosen to marry, we must assume the responsibility that accompanies it. If we manage our time properly, and exercise wisdom, we can bring glory to God in our marriages. Enoch was one man of God who was married with a wife and children, yet was not negligent in his roles towards them, for the Bible recorded that his walk so pleased the Lord that he was taken up to heaven (Gen. 5:21-24). He was able to maintain his devotion to God together with his domestic responsibilities.
On the other hand, women must learn and practice submission to their husbands. They must bring themselves to let go and trust God to watch over them as they entrust themselves to their husbands.
“For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.” - 1 Pet.3: 5-6
Though a woman might satisfy her husband physically through satisfying sex, but if she is not submissive to him but is instead domineering over him, the husband might come out of a great sexual experience still with an unfulfilled need. This is because he might be troubled with the impression that his wife is merely putting up with him and not really enjoying the sex with him. Sex is more than a physical contact of bodies. It is a union of flesh, soul and spirit. If we neglect the emotional and spiritual role each partner is supposed to play, we can never have complete satisfaction when it comes to the unity of flesh.
One aspect of godly behavior befitting a woman is that of possessing a submissive attitude. The Bible says the husband is to be won to Christ “without talk”. This is the fruit of a gentle and quiet spirit of a godly wife. This of course requires a woman to trust her husband utterly and put up no resistance against his leading. Feminine tranquility of spirit is a very precious virtue that is almost unheard of these days. It is time that women restore that virtue and start obeying God in cultivating that spirit of gentleness.
“Likewise you wives, be submission to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting in fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” - 1 Pet.3:1-4
The biggest obstacle in submitting totally is fear, which always will be one of love’s greatest enemies. Abraham in his fear for his own life, told his wife to lie in such a way as to risk her modesty (Gen. 20). His wife, Sarah, would clearly have been forgiven by many if she had refused, yet she did not do so. Instead, she obeyed Abraham (1 Pet.3: 6). It is important to note that Sarah was not a timid victim in this case. She was a woman with a mind of her own. This is the woman who insisted Abraham to take Hagar so he could have the son God promised. She is he same woman who reacted so strongly when the pregnant Hagar was disrespectful, and the same woman who insisted Abraham later to throw out Hagar and Ishmael. It is difficult to think that she is manipulated or “force” by Abraham to lie. It is better to assume her deep love for Abraham and her trust in God to take care of her if she did what was dutiful as a wife to obey her husband. Sure enough, God intervened and rescued her from the shame that might have been caused. Sarah trusted God and obeyed her husband even when he asked an unreasonable favour of her. God in this case intervened and protected her where Abraham failed.
Sure, many couples today would love to experience the kind of love described in the Songs. Yet, few are willing to pay the price for it. There are several marriages in which couples look perfectly in love with each other but who are really emotionally estranged in soul and spirit. The root cause of this, as we have discussed, is self-centeredness. We must give up our own way if we are to make a life with another person. Trials can promote the growth of true love, but it also has the power to stifle it. Struggles and personal decisions to freely give of ourselves during trying moments knit couples in a deeper bond of love. Sadly, many couples allow their differences or failure of the other party to weaken or even destroy the whole relationship. No one would ever be blessed enough to be married into a perfect relationship, because of the imperfection of man. A perfect relationship is worked out through trials and failures just as our spiritual walk comes to maturity only after much refining in trials and tribulations. Paul says we are to perfect our likeness in the fear of God (2 Cor. 7:1). Do not waste our trials and failures, but let them strengthen us instead eroding the strength in us. Our response can make things out to be better or bitter. Let us show to our partners as we are all perfecting ourselves daily in the fear of God. Learn to humble ourselves and embrace the failures of our spouse, no matter what it takes.
If Satan has succeeded in driving a spear into our marriage and causing hurt to either or both partners, do not assist him in driving that weapon further by responding poorly. Learn to forgive, and erase from memory the shortcomings of our spouses. Forgiveness is fundamental in the Christian walk. If we walk away from forgiveness, we have swayed from the path of life. No one enters marriage with unconditional love to start with – such love has to be cultivated, and trials provide the opportunity. True love needs to be deepened and cultivated as each applies God’s principles to their problems and failures. And true love can never be quenched but bears all things and never fails (1 Cor. 13:7-8)
“Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it”. - Songs 8:7
