Introduction
When God made Man and Woman, He also destined a union for them. He instituted marriage - a sacred ordinance between man and woman. Within this ordinance, lies an intimately embedded gift of sex. This is an intimacy to be shared between the husband and the wife, as both explore and get to know the joys of life together, and beyond – life as one flesh. As the title suggests, the contents of this book revolve around the sex life of married couples. As with any other writings on this topic, the contents tend to be explicit. You may also find that some of the issues addressed here are highly sensitive. We are therefore making no haste in diving straight into the substance of this subject, but rather, are taking time to approach it in a comfortable way for most. Taking a crack at addressing the topic on sexual intimacy and its related issues is by no means an easy task to undertake, and the closer we get to the specifics, the more uncomfortable we feel. Nevertheless, it is absolutely necessary that we be educated in the basic composition in which lies a beautiful world of intimacy for God’s married children.
Man and Woman were happy in the Garden until the moment they fell into sin. When that happened, they began to feel embarrassed and ashamed of their nakedness something they never did feel before. They blushed at their nakedness, and so made covers from fig leaves to cover themselves. However, it was not allowed for them to be left this way, for God expected men to bare themselves before Him and reveal their weaknesses before Him. He wanted them to do this so that He could make “tunics of skin” for them in place of the superficial coverings of fig leaves (Gen. 3:7-10). Now, this is what we must do also. Perhaps in the area of sexuality some of us have encountered difficulties and ran into frustrating knots or have at some stage discovered the shortcomings and failings we thought we never had. We need to agree to expose our weaknesses and wounds to the Lord so that He may free us from whatever entanglements we have got into, that we may receive His healing and restoration for ourselves. So, instead of using ‘leaves’ to cover our ‘nakedness’, let us put aside all inhibitions and come boldly before the throne of grace to receive the provisions of God into our lives.
Many Christians subscribe to the commonly mistaken impression that what’s physical couldn’t be spiritual and that the spiritual man would not think passionately about the physical. This is however contrary to what the Bible teaches. Spirituality encompasses all of what it means to be human – and that includes sexuality. We have to recognize that God’s intended goal for the church and for marriages is the same: oneness, unified wholeness and intimacy. Upon careful examination, we will see that whatever takes place in a marriage is capable, in some deep and mysterious way, of reflecting the relationship between Christ and His church (Eph. 5:32). There should not be any apologies or blushes whatsoever about the issue of sexuality, and we should not be ashamed to address it, so long as done with proprieties observed.
Through the prophet Ezekiel, God talked in a brutal and explicit way about His people’s unfaithfulness. He compared them to two sisters who act like whores, even to the point of fantasising that their immoral lovers have penises the size of those of donkeys and semen ejaculations comparable to that of horses “When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness…yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lust after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled”(Eze.23:19-23). And God’s law, in all its explicitness (rules and stories about incest, adultery, prostitution, etc.) was read aloud every Sabbath for all to hear. So let us not assume that ignorance, silence and embarrassment is godly behaviour in talking about sex.
All around us, the world is not silent on the issue of sex. We hear voices talk about it every now and then. Voices from a country’s culture, voices from the media, voices from secular literature, etc. They all tell us what the world has to think and say about sex, whether correctly or incorrectly. These voices influence and shape, to a lesser or larger extent, our values, habits and thoughts on sex life, unsurprisingly since people gather faith and confidence from what they hear. The unfortunate thing, however, is that most of these voices, due perhaps to the lack of godly wisdom in this aspect, have almost succeeded in reducing people’s perception of sex as little more than an exciting and pleasurable physical act. It becomes easy for anyone now to view sex as nothing beyond what people consider as a highly stimulating activity infused with much heat and passion between persons. The union or bond between the soul and spirit when two persons engage in each other sexually is neglected or worse, ignored. This is tantamount to a perversion of God’s design for sexuality, which consequences have constituted one of the reasons why we hear reports of people suffering or inflicting hurt in their sexual relationships. Very certainly, the church must speak and not lose her voice in the world as she has been called to enlighten, and to demonstrate the ways of God, even in this matter.
Sex has been specially ordained by God to benefit and strengthen both parties in a marriages. He has provided counsel in His word – especially in the Songs of Solomon, that we may not be ignorant regarding this. It is very important why we should not be ignorant in these matters because it should be familiar to most of us by now that Satan will always try to turn what God intends for beauty into ashes. Sex, as discussed, is something God ordained to strengthen marriages. However, sex has also been used by the devil to weaken and devastate many marriages. Many matrimonial unions are in misery today in regards to this area. God who created us male and female and made us husband and wife has not left us wanting to find our way in the dark as to how we should respond to our spouse sexually. In a time when the devil’s assaults against families are being intensified, we need all the more to strengthen our relationship based on biblical guidelines. Just as the strength of the church is in the union with Christ, so the strength of the husband and wife lies in their union. Without unity and oneness, God’s plan would fail; and so it is with marriages. Without unity and togetherness, should we wonder why marriages run into problems ever so often?
The world comprises of small social units (families) that exert an influence over it. Where these small social units are strong and healthy, the society will be strong and sound, robust and full of life. This is so because the strength of these small social units fill-up within themselves and overflow to saturate the society around them. Similarly, where these small social units do not measure up to standards, we get a society that is sub-standard in its principles and values. Therefore, it is not the ugliness of the world that is destroying our homes, but the weaknesses of our homes that contribute to the moulding of a decadent world! Following this analysis, if we are to have a stable church and a sound community, we first need stable families to bring that about.
A basic family unit is basically made up of two principal persons – the husband and the wife. Consider now God’s instructions to new family units:
“When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.” – Deut. 24:5
God places such priority on marriage life that He instructed men to give their marriages a good start by exempting from going out to war. This is to provide the newly weds with ample opportunity to cultivate and strengthen their marriage bond. Quite evidently, God sees strengthening a family as a more immediate need than strengthening a country’s defence. This is not because a country’s welfare is unimportant in His eyes, but because He knows that strong families will mean a strong country. This may sound remote, but upon careful analysis, we will realise that strong marriages make strong nations. The same is true of God’s kingdom – the Church. The strength of the church lies in the strength of its families.
“for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God ?” - 1 Tim.3:5
According to God’s word, if a man does not do a good job in ruling his own house, that same person is not capable of managing the church of God. God cares for and is concerned with our families and our love lives, so much so that He has even devoted a part of the Holy Bible to give us an insight into the intimate life of a married couple. The Song of Solomon is one book that touches on sexual intimacy between married couples. We would at various stages make some reference to the book, but our approach here is not so much as to interpret or expound on the message verse by verse, but more to grasp its specific significance that most directly addresses a couple’s sexual relationship within marriage.
When God made Man and Woman, He also destined a union for them. He instituted marriage - a sacred ordinance between man and woman. Within this ordinance, lies an intimately embedded gift of sex. This is an intimacy to be shared between the husband and the wife, as both explore and get to know the joys of life together, and beyond – life as one flesh. As the title suggests, the contents of this book revolve around the sex life of married couples. As with any other writings on this topic, the contents tend to be explicit. You may also find that some of the issues addressed here are highly sensitive. We are therefore making no haste in diving straight into the substance of this subject, but rather, are taking time to approach it in a comfortable way for most. Taking a crack at addressing the topic on sexual intimacy and its related issues is by no means an easy task to undertake, and the closer we get to the specifics, the more uncomfortable we feel. Nevertheless, it is absolutely necessary that we be educated in the basic composition in which lies a beautiful world of intimacy for God’s married children.
Man and Woman were happy in the Garden until the moment they fell into sin. When that happened, they began to feel embarrassed and ashamed of their nakedness something they never did feel before. They blushed at their nakedness, and so made covers from fig leaves to cover themselves. However, it was not allowed for them to be left this way, for God expected men to bare themselves before Him and reveal their weaknesses before Him. He wanted them to do this so that He could make “tunics of skin” for them in place of the superficial coverings of fig leaves (Gen. 3:7-10). Now, this is what we must do also. Perhaps in the area of sexuality some of us have encountered difficulties and ran into frustrating knots or have at some stage discovered the shortcomings and failings we thought we never had. We need to agree to expose our weaknesses and wounds to the Lord so that He may free us from whatever entanglements we have got into, that we may receive His healing and restoration for ourselves. So, instead of using ‘leaves’ to cover our ‘nakedness’, let us put aside all inhibitions and come boldly before the throne of grace to receive the provisions of God into our lives.
Many Christians subscribe to the commonly mistaken impression that what’s physical couldn’t be spiritual and that the spiritual man would not think passionately about the physical. This is however contrary to what the Bible teaches. Spirituality encompasses all of what it means to be human – and that includes sexuality. We have to recognize that God’s intended goal for the church and for marriages is the same: oneness, unified wholeness and intimacy. Upon careful examination, we will see that whatever takes place in a marriage is capable, in some deep and mysterious way, of reflecting the relationship between Christ and His church (Eph. 5:32). There should not be any apologies or blushes whatsoever about the issue of sexuality, and we should not be ashamed to address it, so long as done with proprieties observed.
Through the prophet Ezekiel, God talked in a brutal and explicit way about His people’s unfaithfulness. He compared them to two sisters who act like whores, even to the point of fantasising that their immoral lovers have penises the size of those of donkeys and semen ejaculations comparable to that of horses “When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness…yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lust after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled”(Eze.23:19-23). And God’s law, in all its explicitness (rules and stories about incest, adultery, prostitution, etc.) was read aloud every Sabbath for all to hear. So let us not assume that ignorance, silence and embarrassment is godly behaviour in talking about sex.
All around us, the world is not silent on the issue of sex. We hear voices talk about it every now and then. Voices from a country’s culture, voices from the media, voices from secular literature, etc. They all tell us what the world has to think and say about sex, whether correctly or incorrectly. These voices influence and shape, to a lesser or larger extent, our values, habits and thoughts on sex life, unsurprisingly since people gather faith and confidence from what they hear. The unfortunate thing, however, is that most of these voices, due perhaps to the lack of godly wisdom in this aspect, have almost succeeded in reducing people’s perception of sex as little more than an exciting and pleasurable physical act. It becomes easy for anyone now to view sex as nothing beyond what people consider as a highly stimulating activity infused with much heat and passion between persons. The union or bond between the soul and spirit when two persons engage in each other sexually is neglected or worse, ignored. This is tantamount to a perversion of God’s design for sexuality, which consequences have constituted one of the reasons why we hear reports of people suffering or inflicting hurt in their sexual relationships. Very certainly, the church must speak and not lose her voice in the world as she has been called to enlighten, and to demonstrate the ways of God, even in this matter.
Sex has been specially ordained by God to benefit and strengthen both parties in a marriages. He has provided counsel in His word – especially in the Songs of Solomon, that we may not be ignorant regarding this. It is very important why we should not be ignorant in these matters because it should be familiar to most of us by now that Satan will always try to turn what God intends for beauty into ashes. Sex, as discussed, is something God ordained to strengthen marriages. However, sex has also been used by the devil to weaken and devastate many marriages. Many matrimonial unions are in misery today in regards to this area. God who created us male and female and made us husband and wife has not left us wanting to find our way in the dark as to how we should respond to our spouse sexually. In a time when the devil’s assaults against families are being intensified, we need all the more to strengthen our relationship based on biblical guidelines. Just as the strength of the church is in the union with Christ, so the strength of the husband and wife lies in their union. Without unity and oneness, God’s plan would fail; and so it is with marriages. Without unity and togetherness, should we wonder why marriages run into problems ever so often?
The world comprises of small social units (families) that exert an influence over it. Where these small social units are strong and healthy, the society will be strong and sound, robust and full of life. This is so because the strength of these small social units fill-up within themselves and overflow to saturate the society around them. Similarly, where these small social units do not measure up to standards, we get a society that is sub-standard in its principles and values. Therefore, it is not the ugliness of the world that is destroying our homes, but the weaknesses of our homes that contribute to the moulding of a decadent world! Following this analysis, if we are to have a stable church and a sound community, we first need stable families to bring that about.
A basic family unit is basically made up of two principal persons – the husband and the wife. Consider now God’s instructions to new family units:
“When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.” – Deut. 24:5
God places such priority on marriage life that He instructed men to give their marriages a good start by exempting from going out to war. This is to provide the newly weds with ample opportunity to cultivate and strengthen their marriage bond. Quite evidently, God sees strengthening a family as a more immediate need than strengthening a country’s defence. This is not because a country’s welfare is unimportant in His eyes, but because He knows that strong families will mean a strong country. This may sound remote, but upon careful analysis, we will realise that strong marriages make strong nations. The same is true of God’s kingdom – the Church. The strength of the church lies in the strength of its families.
“for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God ?” - 1 Tim.3:5
According to God’s word, if a man does not do a good job in ruling his own house, that same person is not capable of managing the church of God. God cares for and is concerned with our families and our love lives, so much so that He has even devoted a part of the Holy Bible to give us an insight into the intimate life of a married couple. The Song of Solomon is one book that touches on sexual intimacy between married couples. We would at various stages make some reference to the book, but our approach here is not so much as to interpret or expound on the message verse by verse, but more to grasp its specific significance that most directly addresses a couple’s sexual relationship within marriage.